I have a wild way of failing to say what I imagine I want to say.

Sadly, I didn't come up with that. It's stolen from Samuel Beckett. Clearly. Who else could have written something so simultaneously self-deprecating and narcissistic? So frustratingly vague and yet stunningly descriptive of how it is that we stumble through life trying to talk sense of our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions -- when really, they are uniquely personal and always nonsensical. Or maybe just mine are...

That’s a word of warning really, for today I’m starting my blog. Readers who like logical, succinct, clear, and thoroughly edited musing – this blog is not for you.

A BLOG! Whoa, it’s a new thing for me, especially because I don’t even read blogs. I mean, it’s like someone creating a product they won’t even use without researching who actually uses the product before putting it on the shelves.

Now, even though I’m a freshman blogger, I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that any of the following things that I have hoped starting a blog would make happen will actually happen:

1) that people will read it and be moved/fascinated/inspired/delighted – that’s my favorite: “delighted” – about what I say.

2) that I will somehow be able make sense of the nonsensical. That through the cathartic act of writing, I will be able to finally understand what the heck is going on in my mixed-up, mid-to-late-twenty’s head. And that revelation will stop me in my tracks and I will instantly be in a state of complete Zen – calmed in the ultimate knowledge that I finally know myself, understand myself, and can therefore (trumpet flare) CONTROL MYSELF – my actions, my intensions, and my thoughts!

3) that I will have enough “stuff” going on in my life to write a whole blog post about each day or – at the very least – each week.

4) or for that matter, enough “time”…

Number 3 is the theme of today’s FIRST EVER blog post! (trumpet flare #2)

The number 1 factor keeping me from starting a blog is that I just don’t think I have enough drama in my life to write about something on a regular basis.

Please read that last sentence in the positive way it is intended – I’m pleased that I don’t have drama, and that I’m fortunate to not be one of those people who is constantly inundated with drama – either self-imposed or what I will cautiously refer to as “actual drama.”*** But because of this perceived “lack of drama,” I am always thinking that I have less interesting, poignant, or provocative things to blog about. (Also, I’m just not as naturally funny as that FuckYouPenguin guy. And incidentally being that funny daily seems like a LOT of work! (Did I just put an incidental in my incidental?!?! GOOD LUCK reading this blog people!))

I will re-iterate that this may be a perceived lack of drama. Maybe I have drama, but I just don’t get bent out of shape about it, share it, or care about it as much as those people who I’d label as “drama-filled.” Maybe when faced with the same situation as someone else, I don’t embrace the calamity of it as much as others. Maybe I am more even-keeled than others…

Or….as my shrink might cajole me into saying… maybe I just don’t consider my drama as…oh…I don’t know…noteworthy? Because I think my feelings and stories are less important, interesting, or critical to tell and so I keep them to myself to not bore those I would tell.

Or….as he would then lead me to…also because I don’t like people to see me rattled, because it means I’m vulnerable…and I am not vulnerable. I am strong, independent, and capable of dealing with any drama in a calm and stable manner without any help from anyone else…

Equally self-deprecating and narcissistic.

The quintessential Cool Cat.

But that all changed this week, when faced with a whole week’s worth of “actual drama.” Celebrity run-ins, Post-articles, fears of car getting towed, followed shortly by car actually being broken into, followed by forgetting wallet when it is essential to have wallet to pay guy to fix smashed car window…all on top of a week of the most intense inter-personal drama one could ever do to oneself!

So I saw the moment and I ceased the opportunity. Make good of the bad. Use a week of drama to start a blog. Stretch that week of drama, which is about the amount of drama I usually see in about 6 months, into about 1 month of material… Kick-start my cathartic, self-indulgent, celebrity-blogger inducing blog, perfectly titled “Whatever happened to my drama-free life?”

I hope you enjoy…all two of you…

~EKilla


*** Sidebar: that is not to say that self-imposed drama is not technically “drama” and not equally as troubling, upsetting, or life-altering as when…oh, I don’t know…your car is broken into or you split from your boyfriend. BUT, I think there are some people who are prone to both kinds of drama and there is a distinction, at least for me in that… so before I go into all this and start, what accounts for a second blog post within the blog post, I will save this conversation for another week – one when maybe I have less “actual drama” to analyze…